What's the word for things going wrong that isn't as dramatic as disaster or catastrophe? I forget. If there even is one. A data point in the relentless decline of my English vocabulary.

I think I thrive when things go wrong. It provides a focal point for my thinking, an obvious starting point for finding things to improve about myself, an inspiration to write, a challenge to overcome, a reason to escape my thoughts by being productive, and perhaps an alleviation of what some might call liberal guilt at having lived a sheltered, privileged life. I wonder, coincidentally, if that's why I liked doing "too much" in school. It made sure that at least one thing was going wrong somewhere at all times.

* * *

I realized tonight that there actually is something that many of the other expats have here in common -- chemical use of various forms. But that's about a weak a thread as talking about politics or the weather. Still fairly unsatisfying (well, I'm sure it's satisfying for them).

One thing that "went wrong" was that some people brought some pot cake to the bar where I was waiting to pay my friend back for the yamaha keyboard. I didn't realize that it was pot cake -- it looked like a chocolate cake. One of the benefits of the format, I guess, for covert high-seekers. Everybody was very sort of "wink wink nudge nudge" about the whole thing but didn't use any euphemism that I had heard before, so I mused out loud about what it might be (carrot and gingerbread were what I thought it smelled like), and while people didn't laugh at the time, I'm sure they did later. It's kind of weird that nobody corrected me, but I guess I've meandered far enough away from (what I would have called in high school) "normal" that I didn't catch on quickly enough either.

While that particular incident was small, it caused me to think about all the other times I've been here that I've mouthed off out loud or in writing about things I knew nothing about. I've turned into one of those people that my ex-girlfriend would slate for genocide. I think I'm smarter than I actually am. It's taken me way longer than it should have to realize it, too.

* * *

Back to things not going well.. I find myself unsatisfied when things are going well. I feel that there's not enough spiritual challenge to that. The "inferior" path to enlightenment or heaven or whatever you want to call it. In fact, I find myself very calm at the moment. Perhaps more in the moment than I've been in a long time.

I do notice that I'm an extremely unforgiving person, both in the (few) cases where I think I've done something wrong, and the (many) cases where I think someone else has done something wrong.

I do also notice that if there's one reasonably large change in direction I'd like to make with my life, it'd be spending less time talking and spending more time improving myself. I don't hope to find happiness in this path, but if I look objectively at how I've been spending my time in general, I think I don't really agree with my choices.